Effective communication is one of the pillars of successful parenting. How we talk to our children not only shapes their behavior but also strengthens or weakens our bond with them. However, we have developed certain unconscious habits that can create communication barriers and prevent us from truly connecting with our kids.
Psychologist Thomas Gordon identified 12 common communication barriers in parent-child conversations. Let’s dive into these to understand how they impact our relationship with our children, and learn how to avoid them for better parenting communication.
- Criticizing
When we criticize our children, they feel judged. Some children can just shut down and become defensive in communication. Children who are constantly criticized lose trust in their parents and tend to drift away from parents.
Example:
Your child brings home a drawing, and your first reaction is, “That’s not very neat. Don’t show this to anyone. You should try harder next time.”
Instead, try: “ I can see the effort you have put into this! How do you feel about it?”
By avoiding criticism and focusing on their effort, you build their confidence and encourage open communication.
Name-calling
When you label your child with negative terms such as “lazy” or “selfish”, you devalue them and hurt their self-esteem. This communication barrier can cause long-term damage to your child’s sense of worth.
Example:
When you are angry or disturbed and that moment of frustration, you say, “You’re always so careless!”
A better approach could be: “I noticed you missed this detail. Can we do something about this?”
This way, you guide them without assigning hurtful labels. Labels stick with the child and then it becomes their reality. To strengthen the parent-child bond avoid labeling.
- Advising
Most parents tend to advise their children. They feel it is their responsibility. Giving unsolicited advice can make your child feel like you don’t trust them to make their own decisions. Children are not looking for solutions, they just want to be heard and understood.
Example:
Your child expresses that he finds school boring, and you immediately start rattling about the benefits of schooling and getting good marks.
Instead, try: “ You must be feeling sad going to school right? Is there anything specific that makes you feel so?
This allows your child to express their emotions, leading to more effective communication with your child.
- Commanding
Telling your child what to do without explaining the reasons behind it can feel controlling. This communication barrier limits opportunities for collaboration and can foster resistance.
Example:
Instead of telling your child, “Clean your room right now!”, which is a commanding mode.
A more positive approach would be: “Your room is getting messy. How about we clean it together this afternoon?”
This encourages your child in a cooperative effort, reinforcing positive parenting techniques and strengthening the parent-child relationship.
- Threatening
When threats are issued as a consequence of controlling behavior, it builds fear rather than trust. It creates a power struggle and discourages open communication with your child.
Example:
“If you don’t finish your homework, you won’t get any screen time this weekend!”
A better option: “I know homework can be frustrating. However, you can choose to do the homework or choose to forego the screen time. Let’s find a way to get it done so you can enjoy the weekend.”
This approach focuses on support and cooperation rather than fear, building a trusting relationship.
- Moralizing
When you moralize, you tell your child what they “should” or “ought to” do, based on your values. This can make them feel judged or inadequate, hindering effective communication in parenting.
Example:
“You should always be kind to your siblings!”
Instead, try: “I’ve noticed some clashes with your siblings. Can we talk about how we can all get along better?”
This opens a dialogue where your child can share their perspective, leading to a healthier parent-child connection.
- Interrogating
Asking too many questions in quick succession can feel overwhelming to your child, turning a conversation into an interrogation. This barrier can make your child withdraw instead of sharing openly.
Example:
As soon as your child comes home, you ask, “Did you finish your homework? What did you do in school? Did you behave?”
Instead, start with: “How was your day?”
This lets your child open up at their own pace, promoting stronger communication in parenting.
- Diagnosing
Trying to diagnose or explain your child’s feelings without their input can make them feel misunderstood and dismissed. Avoiding this barrier helps create space for emotional intelligence in parenting.
Example:
Your child says they’re upset, and you respond with, “You’re just tired, that’s why you’re feeling this way.”
Instead, acknowledge their emotions: “I can see you’re upset. Do you want to talk about what’s bothering you?”
This builds emotional connection and trust, encouraging your child to share their feelings freely.
- Praising (With a Hidden Agenda)
While praise is important, insincere or manipulative praise feels hollow to children. Using praise to get them to comply creates distance in the relationship.
Example:
“You’re such a good kid! Now, can you do your chores?”
Instead, offer genuine praise: “I’m really proud of how you handled that situation.”
This separates praise from demands, making it more meaningful and reinforcing positive behavior without strings attached. Always praise the efforts and not the abilities or intelligence.
- Diverting
Changing the subject when your child is discussing something important can make them feel like their concerns aren’t valid. This barrier stops them from opening up in the future.
Example:
Your child talks about a challenge at school, and you respond with, “First, let’s focus on your homework.”
A better response: “It sounds like that situation is bothering you. Do you want to talk more about it?”
By staying engaged in the conversation, you build trust and show your child that their feelings matter.
- Arguing with Logic
Relying too much on logic in emotional conversations can make your child feel like their emotions are being ignored. Remember, emotional intelligence in parenting is more important than logical reasoning.
Example:
Your child is upset, and you respond with, “There’s no reason to be mad about that.”
Instead, say: “I see that this situation made you upset. Let’s talk about how we can solve it.”
By addressing both emotions and logic, you help your child feel heard while teaching them how to handle emotions constructively.
- Reassuring (Prematurely)
Reassuring your child without first acknowledging their feelings can make them feel dismissed, even if you intend to comfort them.
Example:
When your child expresses fear or sadness, you respond with, “Don’t worry, everything will be fine.”
Instead, try: “I can see why you are upset. I’m here to help you through it.”
This validates their emotions and offers support, creating a safe space for them to express themselves.
How to Overcome These Barriers in Parenting
Now that you’re aware of these 12 communication barriers, here are some effective strategies to improve your communication with your child:
Practice Active Listening: Focus on your child’s words, emotions, and body language without interrupting. This builds trust and encourages open communication.
Be Empathetic: Put yourself in your child’s shoes and try to understand their feelings. Empathy is key to emotional intelligence in parenting.
Use “I” Statements: When discussing behavior or issues, use phrases like “I feel” or “I’m concerned” instead of “You always” or “You never.” This prevents blame and keeps the conversation constructive.
Allow Emotional Expression: Give your child the space to express their feelings without jumping to solutions. Sometimes, just being heard is enough for them.
By recognizing and avoiding these 12 communication barriers, you can improve your communication with your child, fostering a more trusting and open relationship. Parenting communication is about more than just words—it’s about understanding, empathy, and emotional connection. Implementing these strategies will strengthen your parent-child bond and help you navigate challenging conversations with greater ease.
Remember, effective communication is a skill that evolves with practice. Start today, and watch how your relationship with your child transforms for the better.
Have you noticed any of these barriers in your communication with your children? What strategies have you found helpful in overcoming them? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
