Bursting Parenting Myths

I was in the examination hall and was a little anxious and tensed, not because I was not prepared but because my wife was admitted in the hospital and we were expecting our second child.

 My wife forced me to take up the exam though she was in the hospital.

I quickly completed the exam and ran out of the exam hall, switching on my mobile. I saw many messages from my cousins congratulating me on being a father for the second time. It was a girl again. That made me even happier.  After the birth of my first daughter Avanthika, I always longed for another daughter. I don’t know the reason but it was there deep in my heart. Avanthika was 7 years old by then.

I just wanted to reach the hospital and see the new born baby.

While I was driving back, a thought hit me strongly. I am a father for the second time, but do I really know the art of parenting. Am I doing justice to the role as a dad, as I have tried to do as an employee.

At every point in time, we are all taught or trained to take up some roles.

We are all taught how to speak, how to write, how to eat, how to dress up. We start schooling from the age of 3-4 years which continues beyond the age of 20. How much of that is really relevant is a big question

I completed my graduation at the age of 22 and was selected to be a Medical Representative for Glaxo Pharmaceuticals. There were three rounds of interviews before I was selected.

Before I started working I had to undergo training for 42 days in Mumbai. In those 42 days, we were taught everything about medicines, the indications, the competition, how the medicine acts etc.. We were also taught how to speak to a doctor and how to look professional.

 After few years of working at Glaxo Smith Kline Pharmaceuticals, I decided to move from sales to training as I found my inclination and passion more towards training.

Well! Did I get into the next company just like that? Absolutely no!

I moved to Max New York Life Insurance as a Training Manager . Here too I had three rounds of interviews.

The training to get inducted was for 18  days.  We were taught everything about the insurance industry , concepts of insurance , types of insurance, training and facilitation skills etc.

You may be wondering why am I telling you all these things!

What has all this got to do with the birth of my second daughter?

Well… What I realized was that whenever I was in for a new  job or needed to acquire a new skill, I was thoroughly trained.

However, I too became a parent as millions of people do and most of us start parenting as though we are the experts in the art of parenting.  No one really taught us what it takes to understand what a child needs and what it takes to just help the child grow to its full potential.

All we get to hear is advise from many elders, relatives and friends who have made blunders themselves.

I reached the hospital and was just in time when the nurse came out of the labour ward with a cute little chubby baby curled in a white bundle of cloth.

I was happy to be the first one to carry her in my arms. My elder daughter Avanthika was clinging on to my shirt and jumping to have a glimpse of her younger sister.

Those thoughts that ran through me as I was driving back to the hospital made me interested in the art of parenting.

I read extensively and did my own research, watching observing and analysing the behaviour and responses made my own children. I also interacted with parents to understand the common issues at home, behaviour patterns of children, methods used by parents etc.

What came out of my entire learning, reading and observation is that children  come as blank sheets of paper , but with unimaginable potential. They have in built mechanisms to learn and become what they want to become provided they are given the right environment, encouragement and love .

Parenting is very simple and not complicated as long as the parent does not interfere in the natural flow of kids.

Does that mean that children should be left on their own with no parental controls ?

Absolutely no!

Studies have shown that children rebel not against parents but against the methods used.

As parents we all have some perceptions as to how parenting should be done. We all have dreams of making our kids the best, providing them the best of everything and being the best parents to them.

Many of these perceptions might not be right and may prove to be counter productive

Let us see what the top three myths about Parenting are.

Myth 1:

Parents should know everything that’s good for the child:

There can be nothing far from the truth than this. The sooner parents realise this, the better. Just because they have become parents, they do not become the Almighty  to  their children.

They continue to be the same man and woman as earlier with their flaws, vices , and imperfections.

It is Ok to make mistakes, it is Ok to ask for help, it is OK to read about parenting. However it is not OK to think, believe and act like they know everything that is good for their children.

Thoughts , beliefs  and actions that express the above feelings act as detriments to the growth of the child.

In many families parents try to act like  the “ I know what’s good for you “ attitude towards their children , which eventually leads to frustration, rebellious nature and children forming hatred towards their parents.

Myth 2:

 Parents behaviour should be consistent

Parents feel that unless the behaviour towards their children is consistent, they would never inculcate the right habits. This is not true either.

The behaviour of parents or for that matter anyone’s , is subject to their mental state, stress levels, work pressure etc. and so it is natural for people to behave inconsistently . This applies to all humans and parents are no exception.

When parents try to hide their natural feelings and force a consistent behaviour, the child  unconsciously realises that the parents are not exhibiting a genuine feeling as there will be inconsistency in the words and their body language. He/she will begin to lose trust.

Myth 3:

Both Parents should have same opinion on their child’s behaviour.

Not at all . Both parents come from different backgrounds, different places, have different upbringing and may also be from different cultures. These differences will have an effect on their opinions of their child’s behaviour. Trying to have a consensus on all matters is a sure shot to explosive conflicts.

“ You always support her when I scold . It’s you who is spoiling her”

This is a very common dialogue heard between spouses. If the yelling parent is the dominant character at home, the other partner would either be silent or join the yelling.

If the partner is not in the right frame of mind he would yell back at his spouse

“ You always find fault with me even when it is you who do the yelling always”

The focus shifts from the child to the ego clash between the two.

Parents need to understand that whatever their differences in opinion, before the children they need to show consensus in opinion.

Here too the child is not considered as an independent human, but as someone who has to just follow what is said by either parent.

Maturity is when parents actually stop parenting and start augmenting. Here when I say stop parenting, I mean the parenting style that treats the child as a thing and not as a being. The child has no individuality but to live under the shadow of the all-powerful parents.

Children already have a natural instinct to be what they are supposed to be. Parenting should never be an obstruction to their natural growth.

Parents should augment their growth not by interfering and following the flawed styles, but partner with their children and help them find their way to their peak potential

What does the child want?

The child is always being its natural self and any act or communication done by the parent which indicates that he/she should have behaved or done things differently gives an indication to the child that he/she is not accepted as themselves.

The child then modifies the behaviour to suit what the parents accept . This is done because the child feels not being accepted by the parent means not being loved by the parent.

The thought of not being loved by the parent is unbearable to the child .

 “ You are such a nuisance”

“ Can’t you do anything properly”?

“ Do as I say”

“ You will pay the price for what you have done”

“ Look at your friend, he studies so well”

When these kind of words are spoken by the parent, the impact on the child is very deep.

He feels that he is not matching up to the expectation of his parents. He feels that whatever he does he is not accepted , which in turn means that he is not loved .

This is one of the major causes for children to develop anxiety, depression, aggression etc.

The irony is that parents do all this thinking that it is for the benefit of the children and it almost always turns to be counter-productive.

The parents are in a dilemma as they cannot understand what they do with good intention always turns out to be the opposite.

The children are in a dilemma as to when they are their natural self they are not accepted by the parents.

Unknowingly and unconsciously parents use words that are admonishing, judging, advising, criticising, preaching, manipulating etc.  All these indicate to the child that he is not enough as he is and needs to become someone more.

It is not wrong to expect change in behaviour of the child , but the methods used should change.

Children do not rebel against the parents; they rebel against the methods used.

There needs to be a drastic change in the way parents think, speak and behave towards children for them to be free, happy and bloom without pressure.

It is rightly said , there are no bad children , there are only ineffective parenting methods.

When this realisation dawns on all parents, the entire parenting will become an enjoyable part.

Children will be children with enormous potential. They will have a life free from stress and anxiety, but will be filled with unlimited potential.

Only when the children are full of energy, full of happiness and full of hope and filled with unlimited potential will the home be peaceful. When all home are peaceful the society will be cooperative. Only when the society is cooperative will the nation be progressive.

When every home stops conventional parenting and starts augmenting the growth of children, we will have children gain their rightful childhood which is needed for their natural growth.